i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
