Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He did a backflip because drugs
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