she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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