you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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