He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
