he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
