just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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