The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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