If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
