i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
