You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize