stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's official drugs can't kill me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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