still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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