Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
