I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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