i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
