Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
