i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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