god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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