i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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