i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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