did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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