Sponge bath it is.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
