She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
