Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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