If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
