Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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