Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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