There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
