Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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