everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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