my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You made out with two different species that night
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
