Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
my poor anus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
