She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
