So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
