The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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