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• (509): View more from Washington

  i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.

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• (318): View more from Louisiana

  This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That's yours. We cut you off.

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?

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• (310): View more from California

  Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.

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• (714): View more from California

  Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.

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• (901): View more from Tennessee

  You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.

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• (212): View more from New York

  I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.

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• (650): View more from California

  Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.

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