i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
