I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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