A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
