I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
