I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
