My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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