And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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