I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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