so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
