Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
