Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
