hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
