i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
