Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
