I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
