when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
