my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
