he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
