I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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