I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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