I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
