That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
