Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
